God’s voice was simply a whisper.
My inner thoughts were screaming.
All I could focus on was the diseases I might have, the fear of being alone, and how I had lost my identity.
It all boiled down to my first panic attack.
There I sat, in the middle of the Atlanta Airport, completely beside myself. Scared. My life was by no means horrible. Maybe stressful at times. But the sudden panic attack, didn’t make sense.
Why did my body act as if it was in shock? I was a strong woman. I was happy. Nothing seemed to add up.
This only happened two days ago. I haven’t even fully processed everything. All I know is something has to change. I can’t sit here and live a life full of fear.
Last night, I sat down with my husband to talk about what I have been feeling. I love him dearly, but his advice can be so…. simple. After I dumped out all of my baggage, I told him the crazy thoughts that ran through my mind. He then said “It will be fine.” Is this a trigger word for anyone else?! It sent a negative emotion right through me.
As frustrated as I was, Cameron had some truth behind his straightforward answer. Everything in life seems to work it’s self out. But in the moment, that wasn’t good enough. The fear, anxiety, and obsessiveness of my mind began to spiral out of control.
I’m not sure if it was the look in my eye or if Cameron could just sense that he wasn’t helping. He tried coming up with some advice, that seemed logical; pray more and meditate on verses. These are things I had tried but was too impatient to wait for God to respond.
That’s when Cameron gave me this advice. I can’t expect to pray and God make my life perfect. He is putting me through this season of my life, for a reason. God can’t work miracles without my help. My relationship with God isn’t one sided. It is just like any friendship; there is give and take.
Cameron then mentioned that writing out my feelings may help overcome all the deep rooted thoughts in my mind. Instead of keeping a journal, I felt God asking me to share my journey. I needed to be raw and honest. Although at times the thoughts in my mind make me feel alone, I know that there are other woman who struggle with the same things.
So here it goes……
The person I am today is far from the woman I want to be tomorrow. When I think of my future daughter, I only pray she doesn’t turn out like me. I have this hope that she will do as I say not as I do. As I prepare myself for the days of motherhood, I often find myself feeling unworthy of having children. If I don’t love myself, how will my children love themselves?
I hope my children……
– are confident
– see their inner beauty
– make people smile
– are the truest Christians than can be
– run after their dreams
– have hobbies that bring them joy
– work hard and never give up
– say yes sir and no ma’am
– love their spouse with all their heart
– live free of worry
– find stillness in the busyness of life
– see the world as Cameron does
– say it’s fine
– feel free
– invest in their friendships
– praise the Lord with all their soul
My dream is to raise three beautiful children and to teach them the simple gifts of life.
But I need to learn them first. I have a little over two years before we will plan to start having children. Since Cameron is in the military, he will be gone most of the next two years. Between underways and a deployment, he will only be home for about six months. This will be hard. It’s difficult for me to even write about. But I’m trying a new approach, it’s my time to learn all the things I hope for my sweet children.
I don’t even know where to begin. This journey seems daunting and too huge to tackle. Maybe it’s my motherly instinct, but I want what’s best for my children. That is why today, I am putting me first. I will change. I will become the woman, friend, wife, and mother, I know I can be.
What makes today different than yesterday? Or tomorrow? God has lit a fire in me.
That day I had a panic attack, was when God made it clear that something needed to change. In the past, I have had many “you need to change” moments. I have improved some areas of my life but as a whole I am no where near the woman I need to be. Just six months ago my relationship with God was rocky. It wasn’t constant…. it was convenient. I chose when I needed him. Today, regardless of what is going on, I always turn to God. The closer I get to Him the more I see the woman He wants me to be.
But why is this “you need to change” moment different? The answer is almost too simple. Heaven
Back in eight grade, I was saved by God my father. In that moment, there was no sin in this world that could stop me from going to heaven. I could see myself dancing in front of Him. The joy and happiness around me would be so full.
As I grew older, the fear of my family and friends not going with me crept in. I began ignoring God. Praying when it was convenient and chalking it up to busyness. The truth is I’m still scared.
I thank God everyday that my husband walks so faithfully beside me. Knowing that I will see Cameron in heaven brings so much comfort to my soul.
The desire to change is because I want to influence my husband, children, family, and friends. I hope they look up to me and see that the love I have for myself is because of something greater. I am loved by God and I am fulfilled because of that.
I don’t fully understand what all of this means or how I will feel differently. All I know is that He has a plan and I need to trust it.
Today, I’m one step closer. I acknowledge that I need to change.